People are social creatures and we want to be liked and accepted. But what if trying to make others happy goes too far – and also hurts your bank account?
The recently coined term”financial fawning” is a current financial buzzword that can illuminate some money missteps you might be making. Here, we explain what it means, signs of financial fawning, and how to move past it and set better boundaries with yourself and others.
What is financial fawning?
Financial fawning is engaging in people-pleasing behavior through money to seek security and attachment.¹
When you are financially fawning, you might make your needs small or invisible while prioritizing others’ needs.
These behaviors can lead to negative consequences, like:
- Imbalanced relationships
- Not getting your needs met
- Not sticking to your budget
- Ignoring your financial needs and goals
- Giving what you don’t have – or can’t afford to give
- Neglecting yourself
So why might we financially fawn? It can take time to pinpoint the exact origins. Still, just like how fawning, in psychological terms, is a trauma response² – and is right up there alongside those classic fight, flight, or freeze responses – financial fawning can be attributed to financial trauma.
The origins of financial fawning may stem from a past relationship, our place in society, or was passed on from previous generations.
5 signs of financial fawning
There’s a lot to unpack with financial fawning. It can show up in various forms and different scenarios, which include:
Underearning. Not earning what you’re worth may be a telltale sign of financial trauma. It boils down to not feeling worthy of getting paid a competitive wage for your role and line of work, and for the time, energy, and talents you bring to your job.
Overspending. Overspending to look good in front of others or be liked is a pretty common form of financial fawning. You might spend more than you have or want to pay. For instance, paying for rounds of drinks when you know rent is due and you’re barely scraping by. Or a friend skips the check, and you cover for them even though you did that the last few times they didn’t pay. Or a friend needs help, and you loan them money even though you can’t afford to.
Rejecting money. This could include not accepting gifts out of guilt or denying yourself a money-making opportunity to make yourself look humble, honorable, or modest.
Financial avoidance. If you engage in people-pleasing behaviors, you might avoid facing the reality of your money situation. This might make you anxious to check your bank balance, keep tabs on your credit card debt, or remember who owes you what.
Using money to make it “right.” When you feel guilty or insecure, you might toss money at the situation to overcompensate or make amends. For instance, you might gift your kids video games because you feel bad for not spending enough time with them.
How to set better money boundaries
Here’s what you can do to move past financial fawning:
Get to the bottom of your behaviors
Understanding your “why” can help raise self-awareness. In turn, you can make positive shifts and lean on people-pleasing behaviors. You might want to seek counseling or work with a therapist or financial therapist.
Determine your boundaries
To set financial boundaries:
- Figure out what your boundaries are. To start, think about the times when you felt like your boundaries were overstepped. Why did you do what you did – such as take on low pay for a gig you were well qualified for? Remember how it made you feel – maybe overlooked, stretched thin, angry, or resentful.
- Think about the cost of not setting boundaries. For instance, you might feel taken advantage of. Or you aren’t tending to your financial goals, such as saving for an emergency fund or paying down your debt.
- Write little scripts for common situations. It might be a habit to automatically go into “financial fawning” mode and get caught up in the moment. Figuring out what to say before a situation arises can help you be best prepared to assert your boundaries.
Work toward a place where it feels safe to focus on you
You might be conditioned to focus on others to be liked or included. You might feel deep pangs of guilt or even shame if you focus on your needs and put yourself first. Getting to a point where you can move through these unsettling feelings and thoughts can help you own those boundaries.
Moving toward a more financially sound you
If you’ve exhibited signs of financial fawning, working through it can help you strike a greater balance between your needs and the needs of others. Doing the inner work to pinpoint your “why” and learning to set better boundaries can help you maintain healthier relationships – and improve your finances.
To learn more about how psychology can play into our financial habits and patterns, read about money dysmorphia.